Summer 2007 Table of Contents
Versión Español de este artículo (Spanish Version)

Who’s Driving the Bus?

Jeanine Pinner, Training & Outreach Coordinator, TxP2P

Reprinted with permission from Texas Parent to Parent Winter 2007 Newsletter.

To learn more about Texas Parent to Parent, visit their website at <www.txp2p.org/>.

Abstract: The author shares strategies parents can use to help their child have opportunities throughout their childhood to become self-determined adults, capable of driving their own bus.

Keywords: Family, self-determination, parenting skills, family wisdom, evidenced based practice

Picture your child’s life as a “bus.” Who’s driving? Is it you or your child? Where is the bus going? Who chose the route, the destination, the speed? Who are the passengers? What about side trips along the way? (You know that side trips often enrich the journey!)

Of course, you realize that my “bus” scenario is really just a metaphor for self-determination, right?

When Jake was much younger, his father and I “drove the bus” for him, but for several years, we’ve taken on different roles as Jake’s ability to drive his own bus has grown. In earlier years, because of his age and issues arising from his disability, we made decisions for Jake without consulting him. We did this with his best interests at heart, and with the hope (and intent) that he would be able to take over the decision-making process in his own behalf. Our vision of success is of Jake driving his own bus.

As parents of children with disabilities, chronic illness and other health care needs, we find ourselves in the position of having to make decisions and plans for a child who may not be able to completely comprehend what’s going on at the time or communicate their needs or desires. While they’re in school and until they reach age 18, we’re seen as our child’s legal representative, and we’re empowered with the awesome responsibility of making decisions about their school plan and their involvement in the community. We do this year after year, gathering information and skills along the way. We get used to “driving the bus,” and hopefully, we’ve gotten pretty good at it.

When our children reach age 18, what happens? They’ve reached “adult” status and are now supposed to “drive” their own buses, right?

Are they ready??? Do they have any experience making their own choices about the direction of their lives?

Here are a few basic scenarios to consider:

“Sam’s parents have made all of the decisions for Sam until now. Sam recently became 18, and all of a sudden, he has some control over his life and he’s loving it. He doesn’t have any experience making his own decisions, and is making bad choices. Since he’s 18 now, he has control over whether his parents are invited to his ARD, and he has chosen to exclude them . . .”
“Jane is 18 now, but relies completely on her mom to tell her what to do. She is a very capable person, but has no experience making her own decisions and lacks confidence in her ability to choose for herself . . .”
“Sally is 18 and about to graduate from high school. Her parents are completely supportive of Sally’s efforts and desire to take charge of her life and make her own decisions. They started very late in helping Sally learn how to ‘drive her [own] bus’ and they still need more time...she’s not ready to do this on her own!”

How can we help prepare our children to drive their own buses and when should we start? There are many opportunities each day for our children to exercise their choice-making skills; those opportunities exist for every age and level of ability. It may be about food, entertainment, clothing . . . it might be attending or facilitating their own ARD meetings . . . it’s an opportunity for a person to have a little bit of control over his or her own little corner of the world. It’s also an opportunity to experience the outcomes or consequences of choice-making.

What if they fail???

I’ve always learned more from my failures than from my successes, so I don’t see “failure” as a completely negative experience. Don’t we owe it to our children to provide them with opportunities to learn how to make responsible choices (and that includes opportunities to “fail” in “safe” environments like home and school)? Shouldn’t they have opportunities to express (and act on) their dreams for their future?

When Jake told me he was going to take French as an elective in his freshman year in high school, I said something like, “Don’t you think you should take Spanish? We live in Texas and knowing Spanish would be a really good thing.” He said, “No, I am taking French.” So, I told him (after listening to the little voice in the back of my brain) that it was his choice and we’d see how things were going at the end of the first six weeks grading period. Guess what? He made a “B”! He loves languages and I know that he’ll continue on his quest to learn as many languages as possible.

Does this mean that I’ve backed completely out of the picture and let him do whatever he wants? NO! My role has changed, though, and my support and guidance “look” different than they did a few years ago.

When Jake chooses to sleep until 20 minutes before the school bus arrives, it aggravates me because I don’t like rushed mornings. As long as he completes the required morning routine (shower, hair, food, etc.) though, I’m not going to require him to get up earlier. If he pushes it too far and starts to miss the bus, it will become a “teachable moment” and we’ll be working together to design a new morning schedule!

Jake is in the “driver’s seat” now, and his choice-making skills are pretty impressive! I’m usually right behind the driver’s seat carefully watching and trying not to give too many directions and instructions (picture me as “insurance”). Before long, I’ll be able to just ride along, perhaps taking a nap or reading a book in the back of the bus. I’ll know Jake is on the road to success when he is able to take a trip without us (and doesn’t run over anyone or anything!).

Many happy driving experiences to you and yours! Read on for a few more ideas about promoting and supporting self-determination…

“We are all interdependent. No man is an island unto himself. We need each other. When we are fortunate enough to have an opportunity to provide selfless assistance, not only is the other person helped, we are too. We come away changed, feeling good about ourselves and what we have done.” (Wilkins, 2000)

Things to Consider:

If you’re not “driving the bus,” does that mean you’re out of a job? NO! Use those advocacy skills you worked so hard to develop by becoming a leader in advocacy:

Work with others to help your child’s school and other services provide the best for all children
Share your experiences and knowledge about your son’s or daughter’s dreams and needs
Serve on school or agency committees involved with students
Become a member of advisory boards or councils dealing with young people’s issues
Testify on educational and youth disability issues before school boards, city, county and state legislative bodies

More Things to Consider:

Do I try too hard to sway my child’s decisions?
Do I tend to speak for my child instead of letting him speak for himself?
Can I separate my own desires from my child’s wishes? (PACER, 2002)

How You Can Nurture Self-Determination

Allow your daughter/son to “grow” (take risks, safe experiences) and try out new things
Recognize that all young people will make mistakes and change their minds before settling on a definite path
Learn how to assist or let your son or daughter advocate for himself or herself
Know when to “step back” or when to “step in” without taking over
Help your son or daughter feel good about himself/herself and to understand his or her disability
Emphasize what she or he can do -- celebrate accomplishments
Your own family’s religious beliefs and cultural values provide opportunities for learning. (Ca. DOE, 2001)

What’s at risk if we fail to equip our children with the skills and education they need to face the future?

Chronic unemployment and underemployment
Social and emotional difficulties
Deprivation of economic self-sufficiency and related benefits (social security, medical retirement)
Susceptibility to changing economic conditions
Dependence on public support (Ca. DOE, 2001)

References

California Department of Education (2001). Transition to Adult Living: A Guide for Secondary Education. <http://www.cde.ca.gov/>

PACER Center (2002) Parent Brief: Age of Majority, Preparing Your Child for Making Their Own Choices. May, 2002. <http://www.pacer.org>

Wilkins, D. (2000) It’s a Human Thing. Or, Some Things I Learned on the Way to Becoming a Human Service Provider and Self-Advocate. The Nth Degree <http://www.thenthdegree.com>.

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Last Revision: October 4, 2007